


You Never Really Can Fix A Heart

by theweathersbeenbetter



Category: All Time Low
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-01
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 21:31:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweathersbeenbetter/pseuds/theweathersbeenbetter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s no guilt; there’s no sinking feeling; there’s nothing. Alex isn’t feeling badly at all for the lie he just fed Jack. You’re supposed to feel badly when you lie to your significant other, aren’t you? You’re supposed to want to be honest and open with them. You’re supposed to be the best person you can possibly be. But in Alex’s head, that is what he’s doing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Never Really Can Fix A Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This story will contain frequent mentions of anorexia and bulimia, as well as references towards male pregnancy. Don't like, don't read - simple :)

 “So everything’s okay? I can spend some more time down here?”

 

            Alex nods, his fingers toying with a pen that happened to be sitting on his desk. He has his laptop open in front of him, the video chat application on the screen and Jack is staring at him from his room in his grandparent’s house in Florida. Alex is sitting in his office on the second floor of the house he shares with Jack. The desk is cluttered with paper and notebooks and pencils and markers and Alex is lucky he got his laptop to fit on it. However, in the process of clearing off a space, he did find a piece of paper with some lyrics on it that he thought he misplaced a long time ago.

 

“Everything’s okay,” Alex lies, and he forces a smile onto his face.

 

            Jack grins and nods, clearly happy with this information –completely unknowing that it’s not true. “Okay. That’s good to hear.”

 

            There’s no guilt; there’s no sinking feeling; there’s nothing. Alex isn’t feeling badly at all for the lie he just fed Jack. You’re supposed to feel badly when you lie to your significant other, aren’t you? You’re supposed to want to be honest and open with them. You’re supposed to be the best person you can possibly be. But in Alex’s head, that _is_ what he’s doing.

 

“I should probably go,” the older boy says, smiling gently as he moves the mouse pointer up to the corner of the screen, hovering over the ‘x’. “I have to make dinner for Tyler and make sure he takes a bath.”

 

“I miss him,” Jack says softly, his hand covering his mouth. Alex can tell he’s starting to get homesick. “Tell him I’ll call tomorrow, okay?”

 

  1. “I will.”                 



 

“And I hope that by ‘make dinner for Tyler’ you also mean that you’re making dinner for yourself.”

 

            Alex lets out a soft sigh, forces yet another smile as he confidently says, “Of course.”

 

            Another lie to add to the rapidly growing pile.

 

-&-

 

“I don’t like this.” The five year old sitting at the kitchen table is frowning, holding his fork up and showing his father exactly what he doesn’t like. “I don’t like carrots.”

 

“I guess you don’t want to watch TV tonight?” Alex says, sighing dramatically and continuing to write words along the lines in his notebook. “Dad would be disappointed to hear that you didn’t eat all of your dinner.”

 

            Tyler groans and drops the uneaten carrot back onto his plate. “They’re gross,” he mumbles, propping his head up with his hands, elbows on the table. He pushes his carrots around on his otherwise empty plate and sighs, giving Alex his favorite expression – the puppy dog eyes that Jack stupidly taught him.“Can’t you eat them for me? And not tell him?”

 

            Alex laughs and puts his pen down. He lifts his head and gives his son a knowing look. Alex will be the first to admit that his son is adorable. He’s just being honest. He’s got big brown eyes (inherited from Jack) and a cute smile and everything he says is adorable. There’s no denying it. But he has learned not to let him use his adorable features to get away with things. “You know I can’t do that. Just eat them, Ty. They’re not _that_ bad.”

 

            Tyler grumbles and Alex looks back down at his words on the paper. He’s such a hypocrite, really. Telling his son that Jack would be disappointed if he heard he didn’t eat his vegetables. Jack is big on healthy eating – especially when it comes to Alex. If he finds out that Alex isn’t eating anything, let alone vegetables? He’ll be upset; more so than if he finds out that Tyler’s not eating them. But Alex doesn’t care. He’s doing this _for_ Jack. So Jack doesn’t have to lie and tell him he’s perfect. Soon he actually _will_ be.

 

“What if I only eat one and a half?” Tyler asks a few minutes later. He’s cut all four carrots into halves, and Alex rolls his eyes.

 

“Eat two full carrots. No less than two. You got me?” He stands up, grabbing Tyler’s empty glass of water and bringing it over to the fridge so he can refill it. “And did we finish all of your homework? I don’t want to hear you complaining to me tomorrow morning that you didn’t do it.”

 

“Yep!” Tyler responds - a little to happily, if Alex is honest. “I had two alphabet homeworks and a shapes homework.”

 

“Right,” Alex mumbles. He turns around, finding Tyler not eating his carrots, but squishing them into the plate. “Alright, fine. You win.” He throws his hands up in defeat, “But tomorrow you’re getting extra vegetables. And I will make sure you eat them all.”

 

            In an instant, Tyler is sliding out of his seat. The second his feet touch the floor, he’s running out of the kitchen and into the living room. Alex knows he’s already on the couch, TV remote in hand and the channel set to Disney. He has way too much technological knowledge for Alex’s liking. He blames Danny and Evan for that.

 

-

 

            After cleaning up from Tyler’s dinner and convincing the five year old that three days is an unacceptable amount of time to go without bathing, Alex finds himself at his desk in his office, notebook open in front of him and the time on the clock reading just after one in the morning. He knows he should get some sleep – he has to be up at six, get Tyler to preschool by nine-thirty, do some shopping for house supplies and other things, and meet up with a few of his friends for lunch at noon.

 

            He’s kind of dreading that last one. It means he actually has to eat something. His friends know about his past – they were all around for it. They all went through it with him, really. And they all know what to look for. And Alex can’t risk having them tell Jack that he’s not eating. Jack will react the same way he reacted the last time. He’ll try to fix him.

 

            It started when he was eighteen and living on the road with Jack and Rian and Zack. He’s not sure what exactly triggered it; he can’t really remember. But he knows he did it because of Jack. They’ve been together for so long; they know each other better than they know themselves. And Alex thought Jack was perfect – in every sense of the word. He was funny; kind; sweet; adorable; smart; attractive. Everything Alex wasn’t. You can’t really make yourself funny, or kind or sweet or adorable. You can’t really control those things. The only thing Alex knew that he could control was his weight.

 

            Jack caught on faster than Alex ever thought he might. Not before Alex managed to lose fifteen pounds and become slightly more confident in the way he looked, but in time to prevent him from getting any worse. He went on a health kick – banned all sorts of junk food from the van and created an exercise routine for the both of them to follow. He was determined to get Alex back to normal – in the healthiest way possible. And it worked. For a little while, at least.

 

            Alex had Tyler when he and Jack were both twenty. At that point, the band was just starting to take off and Alex thought for sure this would be their downfall. After all, kids take a lot of your time and energy and how the hell would he tour with a baby? But somehow they managed. They took a couple of months off and after Tyler was born, they started touring again. Tyler stayed with their parents and occasionally with one of Jack’s siblings. It worked, somehow, and after Tyler turned two they were actually able to start bringing him on the tours. At first Alex was a bit nervous – he knew how crazy their fans could get sometimes. He didn’t want anything happening to Tyler. But Jack convinced him it’d be okay. And he was right, as usual. And things _were_ okay. They were perfect.

 

            But things don’t always stay that way. The shine has started to wear off – but Jack is completely oblivious this time. Alex isn’t as happy; isn’t as content with the way things are going. He knows that every single time Jack tells he’s perfect; beautiful; stunning; smart; anything along those lines, he’s lying. He’s lying to make Alex feel better about himself. Because Alex isn’t any of those things. But he’s trying.

 

-&-

 

            What he’s doing is definitely not working anymore, Alex decides. He stares down at the number on the scale – the same number he’s been looking at for the past four days. It hasn’t changed at all. And maybe that should be slightly comforting, Alex thinks. Because at least it hasn’t gone up. But it hasn’t gone down, either, and Alex thought he was doing so well. He’s only been drinking water in the morning, eating carrots and maybe some fruit for lunch and if hunger gets the best of him, he has a few saltines at night while he’s watching TV and Tyler is snuggled into his side, on the verge of falling asleep. It’s been going on since Jack left for Florida two weeks ago. He should have lost more than eleven pounds by now.

 

            He knows that he can’t eat less. That’s not going to help at all. His metabolism will just shut down and he won’t lose anything. He has to start going to the gym, he decides. There’s one about ten minutes away. He can go for an hour or two while Tyler is at school. By the time Jack comes home, Alex will be thinner. He’s determined.

 

            At nine-fifteen, Alex has already cleaned up around the house, made Tyler his lunch for school and now he’s just waiting for Tyler to get his shoes on so they can get him to school on time for once. He pulls on his jacket as he watches Tyler struggle with the laces, not even noticing that the jacket is now too big on him.

 

“Here,” he offers, bending down and tying the laces for him. “Aren’t they teaching you this at school?” he teases before gently lifting Tyler off the ground. “Maybe we should work on that before Dad gets home, hm?” He nudges his nose against Tyler’s cheek and the five year old giggles, pushing Alex away from him. He puts Tyler back on the floor and grabs his backpack off the table, reaching down and taking his hand. “Ready?”

 

“Yep!”

 

-

 

            Tyler’s school is fifteen minutes away. It’s a day care, a preschool and a kindergarten all in one building, which is good because Tyler won’t have to adjust too much when he starts kindergarten in the fall. Alex always feel bad when they leave Tyler to tour overseas – it’s probably so hard for him, having to adjust to living with someone new for a few weeks, maybe even months. Having to get used to a whole new school would make it even worse. Alex is thankful they won’t have to go through that.

 

“Camera!” Tyler shouts happily as they walk towards the doors of the school building, and he points to Alex’s left.

 

            Alex laughs – the kid’s been trained well. Tyler can recognize fans taking pictures of him in a heartbeat now, thanks to Jack. He’s pretty sure that the five year old doesn’t really know _why_ they’re taking his picture, but he’s a total attention seeker and loves it. And when Alex looks to where he’s pointing, he does find a group of girls not too far away, pointing and giggling and trying to get Alex’s attention.

 

            It’s a little bit creepy sometimes, when fans hang around where they know Alex will be just to try and get pictures of him. He knows it happens to everyone in the band – even the crew members – but for some reason, the fact that they’re taking pictures of Tyler too just creeps him out even more. Tyler’s his baby – he doesn’t want his picture showing up on the internet where anyone can comment on it. But he also knows that that’s just part of the price he has to pay for being in a band. He can’t protect Tyler all the time, much to his dismay.

 

-

 

“Even while Jack’s away, you still go along with his ‘healthy eating’ plan?” Matt Flyzik teases, elbowing Alex in the ribs as he flips through the pages of the diner menu. “Shit, with Zack in California, I’m eating whatever I want.”

 

“I didn’t know Zack dictated what food you’re allowed to eat,” Alex responds, ignoring Matt’s comment about his food choice.

 

“He always makes me feel guilty when I eat crap that’s bad for me,” Matt mumbles, eyes scanning the menu pages and Rian laughs from across the table.

 

            It’s nice getting together with Matt and Rian. He sees them a lot, but usually Alex has Tyler with him and it’s harder to simply hang out with your friends when you have a five year old who is constantly in need of your attention. So they plan these lunch dates (Rian insists that they be called ‘dates’) every two weeks or so, so they can catch up and hang out without any kids to worry about.

 

“He’s coming back soon though, isn’t he?” Rian asks Matt, referring to Zack.

 

            Matt blushes, “Yeah. He said he’s getting bored of surfing and would rather be here with me so…I guess sometime next week.”

 

            Alex blocks out the rest of the conversation. He bites the inside of his mouth as he looks over all of the salad choices. There are too many and most of them probably aren’t very healthy. He figures he should probably just go with the House Salad, because it probably just has the regular salad things like lettuce, tomatoes and whatnot. But he also knows that if he gets that, the other two will be on him so fast and will likely tell Jack that he’s not eating very much. So when the waitress comes back and asks them for their orders, he decides to get a Caesar salad and split a plate of French fries with Rian. He just won’t eat very many fries.

 

 -

 

            It’s one forty-seven in the afternoon and Alex has to be back at the preschool in thirteen minutes.  He’s already going to be late, even if he rushes out the door and leaves right now. But he’s on his knees in front of the toilet in the bathroom, shaky hands gripping the side as he gasps for air. He hasn’t done this in so long. Not in nearly six years.

 

            He didn’t think he had to go this far. But lunch was a disaster – his friends threatened to tell Jack he didn’t eat anything more than a salad, and Alex could tell that they were serious. The way Flyzik looked at him? It was all too familiar, reminding him of his teenage years. So he _had_ to eat the French fries. All of them. Rian didn’t eat a single one and Alex wanted to punch him in the face for lying and saying that they’d share. But that wouldn’t give them any less of a reason to not tell on him. If anything, it would make them more concerned. So that’s why he’s here - preparing to make himself throw up and late to pick up his son from school.

 

            Don’t they understand that French fries are not on Jack’s ‘healthy food’ list? Don’t they understand how hard it is for him to just eat something like that without a second thought? He might have gotten better; they might think he’s still okay. But things like that will never be easy for him. Especially not now.

 

            The time ticks closer and closer to two o’clock and Alex swallows hard. Now or never, really. He can’t be more than a half hour late for Tyler. So he pushes two fingers down his throat, the familiar feeling taking over and he’s not going to lie to himself and say that it makes him feel bad. He feels better now.

 

-

 

_“Matt told me what happened at the diner this morning.”_

            Alex bites his lip, blinking furiously to try and fight back the tears that are forming in his eyes. Tyler is sitting on the floor in front of the TV, watching SpongeBob and waiting for Alex to hand him the phone so he can talk to Jack. But Jack clearly has other plans, first.

 

“I-I’m sorry, Jack,” he says, lying again. “I-”

 

_“No, baby. Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t your fault at all. Matt said he feels badly about it. He shouldn’t have made you eat the French fries. He didn’t realize it would be so hard for you.”_

“Oh.”

 

            It’s not about what Alex thought it was. He thought for sure Jack was calling to tell him he’s upset with him for not wanting to eat. But here he is, actually telling Alex _not_ to feel bad about it.

 

_“Are you okay? Talk to me, Alex. I know it was probably really hard for you but Matt said you did do it and I mean. I’m proud of you, you know?”_

“I’m okay, Jack,” Alex says softly, biting at his nails. “It’s fine.”

 

_“Okay…good. Don’t tell Matt I told you he spoke to me. He said he’s going to come around to see you tomorrow and apologize alright?”_

“Right…I won’t say anything.”

 

            They speak for a few more minutes – Jack telling him he misses him and how badly he wishes he were home with him. But his grandmother is still in the hospital so he needs to spend a little bit more time there. Alex told him it’s fine – take his time. He’s missed but it’s not as if they can’t handle themselves without him around.

 

            Despite how badly Alex hopes he stays in Florida for at least two more weeks, he does really, really miss Jack. He misses the way he would smile at him all the time. He misses the way his arms felt around him. He misses how he would hold him while they slept. It’s been awhile since he’s felt any of that and when Jack does finally come home, he’ll be sure to catch up on all of it. If Jack still wants him, that is.

 

            Alex laughs at himself as he hands the phone over to Tyler. Of course Jack is going to want him. Alex will be perfect, then. And Jack won’t have to lie anymore.

 

-&-

 

            Alex is still tired when he wakes up at nine on Saturday morning. He chalks it up to the fact that Tyler came into the room hysterically crying at two in the morning, complaining about a bad dream and he didn’t calm down until a good hour or so later. And even after he was asleep, Alex stayed awake. He hates when Tyler’s upset like that. It always makes him nervous and it makes him keep an extra close eye on him.

 

            And even though he’s still exhausted, he still has to get up. Because Matt said he’d be dropping by around eleven and Alex would like his house to be somewhat clean. He manages to get out of the bed without waking up Tyler, who had been clutching onto him for dear life. He thanks God for the fact that the little boy took after Jack in the sleeping department. He’ll sleep through anything. It might prove to be a slight problem when he’s a teenager and has to wake up for school on time, but for now Alex will embrace it. It makes it easier for him to vacuum and dust and make the beds.

 

            When Matt finally drops by, Tyler is awake and dressed and pulling on his sneakers. His eyes light up when he sees Matt walking through the door. “Uncle Matt!” he exclaims, giving up on his sneaker and getting up and throwing himself into Matt’s legs. “Will you play on the swing set with me?”

 

            Alex smiles, watching the interaction between his son and one of his oldest friends. He was nervous when Tyler was born. He thought that things weren’t going to work out and All Time Low would have to take a long hiatus that would just turn into the band breaking up and he would drift apart from the people he’s closest to. But he thinks that maybe Tyler just brought them all closer together.

 

“How about I watch you play for a bit while I talk to your daddy, and then I’ll come play, alright?”

 

“Okay,” Tyler drags the word out as he goes back to trying to put his shoes on.

 

            Matt catches Alex’s eye and he smiles, blushing as he does. “I’m sure Jack already called you and you know why I’m here.”

            Alex shrugs. “Yeah. But it’s okay – I already forgave you.”

 

-

 

            They sit outside, watching Tyler play on the swing set that Jack bought last year. It’s one of the really intense ones – with a tire swing and a tree house and it really is made for families with more than one kid. But Jack is wrapped so tightly around Tyler’s finger, it’s sad. And Jack will buy him anything.

 

“It’s going to be weird being back on tour again,” Matt says, fingers playing with the folder he has out in front of him. It’s filled with all of the info for the tour and he brought it by for Alex to check out. “I feel like it’s been forever, but it’s only been a few months. It’s gonna be strange adjusting to living on a bus.”

 

“Yeah,” Alex agrees, keeping his eye on his son. He’s agreeing, but not for the same reason. Not only does he have to adjust to sleeping on a bus, surrounded by his friends day and night, he also has to figure out how to hide what he’s doing from all of them. That is, if they don’t catch on by then. But he knows that Jack will. Because Alex got a glimpse of himself in the mirror this morning before he got into the shower. And for the first time in a long time, he didn’t cringe. He didn’t hate what he saw. He actually looked okay. And Jack will notice. And Jack will tell him he’s perfect.

 

            But he’s not there yet. Soon.

 

“You look nervous,” Matt laughs, reaching out and patting Alex on the back. “Don’t worry so much. I know you’re nervous about bringing Tyler, as usual, but don’t think about it. He’s always being looked out for. Nobody would ever let anything happen to him. Especially not Evan – he adores the kid.”

 

                        Of course Matt would assume he’s just worrying about Tyler being on tour. Yes, that’s a top concern for him, but not the main one. He’s grateful that Matt trusts him so much – that he doesn’t suspect anything. All of his friends trust him too much. But it’s a good thing for him. It means he can get away with this for longer than he thought he might.

 

-

 

“Shit.”

 

            Jack is sitting in the dark, on his laptop, and it’s nearly midnight, he thinks. He should be asleep, because he has to get up early in the morning to visit his grandma at least once during morning visiting hours. But he was lying in bed, checking his replies on twitter on his phone and he came across a picture that instilled a panic in him that he hasn’t felt in a long time. Not for over five years.

 

            Jack’s used to fans replying him with stupid shit that really doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense, but when he saw the words ‘Alex’ and ‘too thin’ in the same tweet over and over again, he’s pretty sure his blood pressure spiked just from reading.

 

            The picture isn’t very good quality. It was probably taken on a camera phone from a distance away, but Jack gets the general point of it. It’s of Alex dropping Tyler off at preschool and Jack has to admit, Alex _does_ look too thin. Jack’s heartbeat picks up as he studies the photo, trying to figure out if maybe it’s just the angle, or even if it might be photo shopped. Alex told him he’s fine and that everything’s okay. He wouldn’t lie, would he?

 

            _Of course he would_. He would. He’d keep it a secret from Jack because he knows how upset Jack will be. But maybe Jack is jumping to conclusions. Maybe this is just a bad angle and he looks thinner than he actually is.

 

            He knows that it’s late, and that Alex is probably sleeping, but he calls his cell phone anyway. Jack won’t be able to sleep without talking to Alex about this. The phone rings three times, and just as Jack is expecting it to go to voicemail, the older boy picks up.

 

_“Jack?”_ Alex asks softly, _“It’s late, baby. Why are you calling?”_

            Jack sighs, runs a hand through his hair. “I um. I can’t sleep.”

 

            Alex laughs and Jack can hear him moving his phone to the other ear. _“Cause I’m not sleeping next to you?”_

 

“Yeah, probably,” Jack agrees. It’s true – because Alex isn’t next to him, he doesn’t know if he’s okay or not. “How’s everything going by you? Why are you up?”

 

_“Everything’s okay…I was just working on a song. I wanted to finish it before bed but I’ll probably just save it for tomorrow. How about you? How’s everything down in Florida?”_

“Good. Everything’s good here. I’ll be home in a week, I think, actually.”

 

_“Oh. Well that’s good, then.”_

“Yeah…” Jack’s not quite sure how to approach the subject. He doesn’t want to upset Alex and make him mad at him. Jack would never be able to sleep then. “And Tyler? He’s okay?”

 

            Alex laughs again, and Jack’s heart aches. _“He’s great. Evan took him to Adventureland today with Danny. He can’t wait to tell you about all the rides he went on. But needless to say, he was exhausted and passed out at eight thirty.”_

“Alex?” Jack says suddenly, interrupting the end of the older boy’s sentence.

 

_“What?”_

“You…you’re taking care of yourself, right?”

 

            There’s shuffling through the phone. Jack can tell Alex is probably gathering up all his lyrics and getting ready to put them away. _“Of course I am. Why?”_

“I…I saw a picture of you from the other day. Some fan tweeted it to me and you just looked a lot thinner than when I left and…”

 

_“It was probably just a bad angle, Jack. You trust me, don’t you?”_

“Of course I do.” Jack smiles. He was jumping to conclusions. Alex is fine.

 

-&-

 

            Ten more pounds to go, Alex decides as he’s looking into his full length mirror in his bedroom. The number on the scale has been going down. It’s been a full month since Jack left. Alex thinks he looks a lot better. Jack might be mad when he sees him, but then he’ll see how perfect Alex _really_ is now and he’ll get over it. This is all for Jack, Alex reminds himself. All for Jack.

 

-

 

            Of course, as the numbers on the scale go down, so do his energy levels apparently. He’s noticed over the past week that he’s getting tired so much more easily and it’s not exactly ideal, considering he has a five year old to chase after. But he just blames it on his lack of sleep. He’s been writing a lot lately, late into the night and sleep has been a stranger. But he’ll get a full night tonight, he promises himself as he drives, glancing back at Tyler in the rearview mirror.

 

            The little boy is staring out the window, kicking his legs and completely ignoring the Happy Meal that Alex passed back for him a few minutes ago. They’ve been running around town all day, getting things that they need for tour that will be starting in a few weeks. Alex wanted to make sure they had all the snacks that Tyler liked and some new summer clothes. He’s going to have to start gathering things and packing them up soon, he realizes. The tour is going to sneak up on him. It’s going to come faster than he would like.

 

“Daddy? Can we go see the Smurf’s movie?” Tyler asks from his car seat, still staring out the window.

 

            He’s been asking to see the movie for weeks now. Since before Jack left, actually. But Alex has been putting it off and telling him ‘soon’ and he feels really badly about it. But right now, he just doesn’t really have the energy to go anywhere else. So once again, he’s going to have to disappoint his son and tell him, “How about we try and go another day? Daddy’s tired and we need to go home and make sure we have everything for tour.”

 

“Okay.”

 

            Tyler doesn’t seem too upset. He barely even reacts .But maybe that’s because he knew the answer even before Alex said it. Alex’s heart sinks at the reminder that he’s just a constant disappointment to him lately.

 

-&-

 

“I really can’t even fathom how none of you noticed.”

 

            Matt shrinks back, wearing a guilty expression and hiding himself behind Rian. His boyfriend is _pissed_. And he has every reason to be, really. He gets home from California, goes to see Alex, and comes home to Matt raging about how thin Alex is; how **sick** he looks. And now that Matt really thinks about it, he hasn’t seen Alex eat at all in the past three days – and he’s been over there quite a bit.

 

“It’s different,” Rian offers, pushing Matt out from behind him. He glares at the tour manager briefly before continuing, “We saw him every single day, pretty much. At least, I did. And when you see someone every day, you don’t really notice changes-”

 

“He’s skin and bones!”

 

“Alright, you’ve said that; we get it. We messed up, okay? We should have paid more attention.”

 

“He looked awful,” Zack mumbles, sitting down at the kitchen, head in his hands. “And when I hugged him it I felt like I was hugging a skeleton.”

 

“He’s not _that_ thin,” Matt says, voicing his opinion. Yes, maybe Alex is thin but he’s not at the point where you can count his ribs or anything. At least…okay, at least he hopes not.

 

“You wouldn’t know, would you?”

 

            Zack’s words hurt, if Matt is honest. It’s not entirely his fault for not noticing how bad Alex has gotten. He’s not the only one who has seen Alex often. Rian and Evan and Danny have. And Zack isn’t talking to them the way he’s talking to Matt. But he just lets it slide – he doesn’t have the energy to point this out.

 

“Okay, let’s not argue and blame each other over this,” Rian says putting a hand on Matt’s back and giving him a sympathetic smile. “The question is, do we tell Jack? Or do we let him enjoy his last few days in Florida and try to talk to Alex on our own?”

 

“When does Jack come home?” Zack asks. He’s looking at Matt now, eyes boring into him and Matt just sends him a glare.

 

“He gets home on Monday. So that’s four days from now.”

 

“It’s no use telling him, then. He’ll just get all anxious and try and find a flight home and spend more money then he needs to. He’ll be back in a few days. Let’s try and do some damage control before he gets here. That way he’ll have less pressure, you know?”

 

“I think Matt should try talking to him first,” Rian says, sitting down next to Zack.

 

“You’re going to send me there alone? What if he tries to beat me up or something?”

 

“He looks like he weighs a hundred pounds, Matthew,” Zack says, a small smile appearing on his lips and that makes Matt slightly less angry. “I’m sure you could handle yourself.”

 

“Evan and Danny can go too. I’ll call them up. We should do this today. I would go, but I have to meet with Kara at the florist to figure out what kind of flowers we’re having at the reception.”

 

            At the mention of Rian’s wedding, Matt’s heart sinks. He completely forgot about it, if he’s honest and he feels badly about that. And now this thing with Alex will probably bring everyone else’s minds off of it, too. He just hopes that by the time September comes around, everything will be normal again and perfect in time for the wedding.

 

            By the time Rian’s gone and Matt is set to meet Danny and Evan at Alex’s house in an hour, Matt finds himself alone with Zack for the first time since the younger boy got home from California. He stares at him, back against the front door. He’s not sure what sort of position they’re in – are they fighting? Is Zack _that_ pissed that he let Alex get this bad?

 

            He doesn’t have too much time to think about it, though. Zack is in front of him faster than he can get a single word out of his mouth. His hands go to Matt’s hips, sliding up under his t-shirt. His fingertips are cold, contrasting to Matt’s warm skin.

 

“I missed you,” he says with a smile, leaning in and capturing Matt’s lips with his own.

 

            Matt kisses back, relaxing against the door. He lets the tension melt away, forgetting about everything he should be worrying about. Because right now Zack is all that matters. He’s not mad, he’s not annoyed and that’s what Matt’s going to focus on. For now, at least

 

-

 

            Now that Zack has actually pointed out how sick Alex is, it’s all Matt can see now. The singer is sitting at his kitchen table, arms folded across his chest, glaring at the three men sitting before him. For the past few weeks, Matt has only seen Alex wearing sweatshirts. But now he’s wearing a t-shirt and his arms are so thin, his wrist bones more than obvious. The bracelets he wears look so much bigger now and Matt feels sick. His best friend is slowly killing himself and he didn’t even notice.

 

“We’re just really worried about you,” Evan says, his fingers tapping nervously on the kitchen table. “We just…None of us want you to hurt yourself like this. It’s not worth it, Alex-”

 

“None of you know what you’re talking about,” Alex spits out, interrupting Evan and rolling his eyes. “It’s not even any of your business!”

 

“It is, though! You’re our best friend, man,” Danny says, reaching out and grabbing his boyfriend’s hand to make him stop tapping. Evan smiles at him in thanks. “It’s our job to look out for one another, especially if one of us is on a path of self destruction and clearly doesn’t care.”

 

            Alex’s eyes turn even angrier than they were, and Matt feels whatever hope he had in getting Alex to see reason fade away. He doesn’t care about what they have to say.

 

“You seriously have no idea what you’re talking about. I’d really appreciate it if you just left.” And with that he stands up from the table, throwing one last angry glare in their direction before leaving the kitchen. They can hear him slam the bathroom door and Danny sighs, running his hands over his face.

 

“That went terribly,” he says with a slight laugh, “I didn’t think he’d react like that.”

 

“Don’t be too upset with him, though,” Matt insists, leaning forward on his arms to get a better look at Danny. “He probably hasn’t had anything to eat in quite a few days. He’s irritable and in a terrible mood. It’s his fault, but not entirely. He wouldn’t act this way if he weren’t starving himself.”

 

“I know…It just sucks. I thought he was over that.”

 

            Matt shakes his head, “I don’t think you’re ever really ‘over’ it. I don’t think it ever really goes away.”

 

-&-

 

            Jack wasn’t expecting anything to be different when he got home. He walks through the front door at a little past two in the morning, finding the house dark and quiet. His plane was supposed to land much earlier, but there were delays and it didn’t land until twelve thirty. And he told Alex not to wait up for him, because he’d be back too late and he didn’t want him and Tyler up that long. So the house is exactly as he expected. Nothing’s out of place.

 

            He leaves his bags at the top of the basement steps so that he can remember to do laundry in the morning. He tries to keep his footsteps as quiet as he can as he takes the stairs two at a time, anxious to see the ones he loves. He’s excited to see them, even though they’re most likely fast asleep. He hasn’t seen them in person in a month.

 

            He stops in Tyler’s room first. The door is half open, just as Alex likes it to be, and it’s dark inside, aside from the slam night light that Tyler is convinced keeps all the ‘monsters’ away. The five year old is asleep as Jack had hoped he would be. He has school in the morning and the last thing anyone needs is a grumpy Tyler refusing to get out of bed. Jack sits down on the edge of the bed, adjusting the covers so that they’re covering him enough and he presses a kiss to the top of his head, careful not to wake him. He knows that the little boy will be upset in the morning when he figures out that Jack didn’t wake him like he asked when he got home, but he’ll get over it when Jack takes him to breakfast before they go to school.

 

            He makes sure that Tyler isn’t too close to the edge of the bed before he gets back up and turns to leave. He keeps the door half opened as usual and steps out into the hallway. His eyes land on the closed door just across the hall – the one that leads to the bedroom he and Alex share. Jack can’t keep the grin off his face as he steps forward and pushes it open, expecting to find Alex asleep in their bed. But he doesn’t find that – he finds the bed empty, still made, as if Alex hasn’t even been in it at all tonight. It’s two in the morning, he wasn’t downstairs, so where the hell is he?

 

            Jack steps back out into the hall, and that’s when he fixes his eyes on the bathroom door. The light is on and now that he listens closely, he can hear the feint sound of water running. Alex must have been up late working on a song or something, and is only now getting ready to go to bed. Or, at least Jack hopes.

 

“Alex?” He knocks on the door, hoping Alex can hear him over the sound of the sink running. It isn’t _that_ loud, though, so he should. “Hey Lex? I’m home…Can I come in?”

 

            He gets no answer at all, and suddenly he’s nervous. Why isn’t he answering? How come Jack can’t hear any movement on the other side of the door? He reaches for the door knob, finding that the door is unlocked.

 

            Jack hesitates. He has a really terrible feeling about this, suddenly. His mind goes back to that picture that he saw earlier in the week and he confronted Alex about. He goes back seven years, remembering everything that Alex put himself through – that he put _Jack_ through. Right now he’s got this strange sense of déjà vu and he’s terrified of what he’s going to find on the other side of the door.

 

            He somehow manages to convince himself that everything is **fine**. Alex is just brushing his teeth and that’s why he’s not answering Jack right now. So he takes a deep breath, shakes away any bad thoughts, and twists the doorknob so he can open it. But when he steps inside, what he finds is even worse than what he was originally thinking.

 

“Alex!” he cries out, immediately turning the sink off to prevent it from overflowing. He gets down on his knees on the floor beside Alex’s motionless body, hands quickly going to his shoulders. “Alex, wake up!”

 

            He shakes the older boy gently, somehow only slightly relieved to find that he is in fact still breathing. He fumbles for his cell phone, his eyes trailing over Alex’s body. He’s so _small_ , Jack acknowledges when he’s finally located his phone in his pocket. Alex’s shirt has ridden up and if Jack really wanted to, he could start counting each of Alex’s ribs. But he doesn’t want to. God, he doesn’t want to.

 

“Jack?”

 

            Jack is in the middle of dialing 911 when Alex speaks, his voice weak and quiet. Jack halts the dialing, looking down at his boyfriend, never feeling so relieved to have his eyes looking right back at him.

 

“Oh my God,” Jack mumbles, tossing his phone to the side. “ _Oh my God,”_ He repeats, reaching out and helping Alex sit up. His heart aches as he does so, because Alex is so thin and his bones are more prominent and Jack wants to just sit down and cry. But he can’t, because Alex needs someone strong. “What the hell? What happened? Should I call an ambulance? Are you hurt?” he asks instead, rattling off questions as fast as he can.

 

            Alex shakes his head, “N-no, don’t call anyone,” he begs, fingers tightening their grip on Jack’s shirt. “I’m okay.”

 

“Okay?” Jack questions, his tone a little more than desperate, “You think that being passed out on a bathroom floor and looking like you’re skin and bones is _okay_?!”

 

            Alex just stares back at him, clearly not having any sort of response to that. And suddenly, it’s so clear to Jack that nothing is okay. It hasn’t been for a while. Alex is back to his old self-destructive habits and Jack hasn’t been here to counteract them.

 

“I’m really fine,” Alex says eventually, “I guess I haven’t been drinking enough water lately. And I haven’t really been sleeping very well either. I’ve been up all night writing for the next album. I’m really okay.” He pushes himself up from the floor, limbs shaking and Jack has to move quickly to help support him, because if he doesn’t, Alex is just going to fall right back down again.

 

“Stop moving,” Jack demands after Alex tries to pull himself out of his grip. He pushes him up against the sink counter, reaches out and pulls his t-shirt up and over his head. Alex tries to stop him, but one glare from Jack causes him to freeze. “You’re not eating again,” Jack whispers, his hurt tone enough to make tears spring up in Alex’s eyes. Jack’s fingers reach out and trace the feint outline of his ribcage. “You’ve been lying to me, Alex. I thought we were past this, baby. I thought we were better-”

 

“I didn’t lie-”

 

            Jack interrupts him, shaking his head and gripping his chin and forcing him to look at him. “I asked you if you were okay multiple times, Alex. You lied.”

 

“I am okay. I didn’t lie. I’m fine.”

 

“What have you eaten today?” Jack asks, letting go of his face and instead taking both of his hands into his own. “Be honest with me? I thought we told each other everything-”

 

“A banana and some crackers,” Alex admits, looking down at the floor, “Can you let go of me? I’m tired and I want to go to bed now,” he sniffs, attempting to pull his hands from Jack’s grip.

 

“Lex…this is serious. I’m not…I’m not letting this go. We’re going to talk about this, do you realize that?”

 

“Fine,” Alex sighs, finally able to break free from Jack’s hands. “I’m going to bed now.”

 

            Jack watches Alex leave the room, disappearing into the dark hallway. He hears the bedroom door open, but he doesn’t hear it shut. So he guesses that means he’s allowed to sleep with him tonight.

 

            The situation that Jack is now in is terrifying him. He didn’t expect this, and he doesn’t understand why his friends didn’t let him know that something was going on. There’s no way anyone could look at Alex and think he looked alright. Something needs to be done, and soon. But Jack has done this before. He’s fixed Alex. He can do it again, can’t he? He can fix Alex’s self image and he can make him realize how perfect he was before. For some reason, he’s got a feeling that it might be a little bit more difficult than that.

 

-&-

 

            Lying to Jack isn’t on Alex’s ‘favorite things to do’ list. But he has no other choice. He has to if he wants to get to his goal weight before tour starts. And he’s so close, too – he won’t have to lie to Jack for much longer. And, in return, Jack won’t have to lie to _him_. Everything will be better once Alex gets rid of those final twelve pounds.

 

            It’s been hard though, what with Jack being home and monitoring his every single move. He makes Alex’s breakfast, lunch and dinner. He makes sure Alex eats everything on the plate and doesn’t let him out of the kitchen until he does. He’s treating Alex like a child, but Alex knows he means well. He doesn’t like the way that Alex is losing weight. But it’s the only way that Alex knows how.

 

            Because of Jack’s sudden control over everything, Alex shouldn’t be losing more weight. He should be gaining it, day by day and getting back to the way he looked before Jack left. It’s been one full week of healthy eating, but Alex hasn’t put on a single pound – and that’s because he’s been purging after every meal, and Jack has no idea.

 

            He never wanted to go back to this habit, but it’s his only option right now. Jack thinks his problems only went as far as Alex refusing to eat. He doesn’t suspect Alex’s purging at all. And Alex will take advantage of that for as long as he can. Jack thinks he and he alone can fix Alex. Alex doesn’t have the heart to tell him he can’t.

 

            On the morning of the one week mark since Jack has gotten home and enforced his new rules, Alex is on the scale, watching the numbers go up and down, waiting for them to decide what he weighs today. He’s hoping to at least have dropped three pounds from the other day. He tried on jeans in a smaller size the other day at the mall, so he has high hopes.

 

            Finally, after what feels like an eternity, the numbers freeze, and Alex lets out the breath he had been holding. _122 lbs._ Down four pounds from the other day. Even better than he had hoped.

 

 

            Jack is downstairs and making breakfast by the time Alex is showered and dressed in his new jeans and a t-shirt and sweatshirt. It’s still May, so he thinks he can get away with the heavy clothes for a bit longer. He just doesn’t want Jack to freak out on him or stare at him or anything that would make Alex uncomfortable. He doesn’t want Jack looking at his body until he’s where he wants to be. But by the time the weather gets hotter and he’ll have to wear summer clothes, he’ll be at his goal and Jack will realize that _now_ Alex is perfect.

 

“Hey gorgeous,” Jack greets him, handing him a plate filled with whole wheat toast and scrambled eggs.

 

“Hey yourself,” Alex responds happily, taking the plate without as much as a look of distaste. He sits down at the table beside Tyler, who he nudges with his elbow and leans down to kiss him good morning. “Ready for school baby?”

 

            He shakes his head, brown hair falling into his eyes and Alex reminds himself to get him an appointment for a haircut. “Dad said I’m not going today.”

 

            Alex looks up, meets Jack’s eyes and gives him a questioning look. “And why’s that?”

 

            Jack shrugs and sits down at the table across from his family. “I thought maybe we could spend the day together? I mean, Tyler’s been begging to see that Smurf’s movie and I don’t’ think one day off would hurt, do you?”

 

“No,” Alex agrees, “It won’t. But did you call his school and tell them he’d be out?”

 

“I did. And I also asked Matt and Zack if they wanted to come along too. They said they’d pass on the Smurf’s movie but would meet us for lunch.”

 

“I wonder why,” Alex asks sarcastically, picking up a piece of toast and taking a bite.

 

            Eventually, Tyler finishes his breakfast and evacuates the kitchen, heading into the living room so he can watch TV, leaving Alex alone with Jack.

 

“I’m so proud of you, you know that?” Jack asks, reaching across the table and taking Alex’s hand. “I’m glad you’re letting me help you.”

 

            Alex smiles and squeezes Jack’s hand as he takes a sip of orange juice. He pushes the almost empty plate away from him. “I’m going to go to the bathroom and then check my email before we go out, okay?”

 

“Alright. I’ll get Tyler ready to go.”

 

            He leaves Jack downstairs, locking himself in the upstairs bathroom. Suddenly, he’s not feeling quite as good about himself as he did before. Jack keeps thanking him for letting him help him – for letting him ‘fix’ him. But he’s not fixing him – he **can’t**. The only person who can fix Alex is himself. And he doesn’t want to.

 

-&-

 

            It’s their anniversary. Alex kind of can’t believe that nine years have passed since he started dating Jack. When he first met Jack, he never would have thought that someone like him would ever go for someone as plain as Alex. But Jack surprised him and he was the one to ask him out and ask him to be his boyfriend and Alex is still kind of in awe of the fact that he’s been able to keep him for all this time. He knows that Jack loves him. But there’s always that little voice that reminds him that Jack can really do better if he wanted to.

 

            But apparently Jack doesn’t _want_ better, lucky for Alex. Because here they are, in their bedroom in their empty house about to have sex for the first time in what feels like forever – at least to Alex. Tyler is spending the night at Matt and Zack’s place and won’t be brought back over until tomorrow afternoon so they have the whole night to themselves. And Alex is nervous.

 

            Jack’s hands trail over his bare skin, his mouth pressing soft kisses in their path. Alex sighs contently, his own hands tangling themselves into Jack’s short hair. He hates that the younger boy got a haircut so recently. Less for him to hold onto.

 

            And Jack doesn’t seem to mind that Alex is so imperfect. He wants this as much as Alex does and Alex’s confidence gets a slight boost. Only slight, of course. He knows he still has  a long way to go before he can comfortably say he’s okay with the way he looks.

 

“You’re so fuckin’ beautiful,” Jack says, lips pressing repeatedly against his skin, trailing down his chest. He sucks on the skin right above his bellybutton, leaving a red mark that will surely last for a few days. He makes sure to leave a few more – on each hipbone and one on his side, right under his ribs. He leaves them where he knows that nobody will see them – except for him. Jack knows that Alex is his. He doesn’t need to prove that to anybody else.

 

“I need you,” Alex mumbles, pulling Jack back up so that they’re face to face. He kisses along his jaw, nipping at the skin every few inches and Jack is grinning- he can feel it.

 

“I need you just as much,” Jack informs him, “Always will.”

 

            Alex rolls his eyes, fighting back the smile. Jack has always been able to make him feel like his heart is melting and as if he’s the only guy in the world. He has the ability to make Alex feel good about himself somehow – even if it’s only for a small period of time.

 

-&-

 

“How many times are you going to lie to me?!”

 

“I didn’t lie!”

 

“Well you weren’t telling the truth! You’ve been throwing up everything you’ve been eating! And here I thought you wanted to get better!”

 

            Alex shakes his head, bringing his knees up to his chest where he’s sitting in the middle of their bed. “Did I ever say that, Jack? Or did you just put those words in my mouth because that’s what you wanted to hear?”

 

            Jack stares at Alex, his face red and chest heaving and he looks angrier than Alex has ever seen him. Alex didn’t mean to get caught – he was sure he had locked the bathroom door behind him. But he was careless and now Jack is livid.

 

“Alex, I love you,” the younger man says, his voice shaking, “More than anything. I don’t want to lose you. But if you keep doing this, I know that I’m going to.”

 

“That’s not going to happen-”

 

“Yes it is! Are you fucking stupid? Didn’t you learn anything from the last time?”

 

            Alex doesn’t respond. He looks at Jack, teary-eyed and trying to regulate his breathing. Suddenly he doesn’t feel quite right – it shouldn’t be this hard to breathe. Jack’s figure shouldn’t be fuzzy and shifting in and out of focus.

 

“Alex?” Jack’s voice isn’t as loud and clear as it was a minute ago when he was yelling. It sort of sounds like he’s underwater.

 

            He feels hands on his shoulders, pushing him down so his head hits the pillow and he’s lying flat on his back. Jack is leaning over him – he’s not as blurry as he was before and now Alex can see the look of panic on his face.

 

“Don’t move,” He says, and that sounds suddenly so much clearer. “I’m getting you water. Stay still.”

 

            He’s gone faster than Alex can get another word out – he’s not even sure if he could if he tried. He feels so week and helpless – and this is all too familiar of a feeling. This happened the last time – right before Jack managed to catch on and help him get better. He knows he should feel bad for putting Jack through this again, but he can’t bring himself to feel as guilty as he should.

 

            Jack is back in the room in less than a minute. “Drink this,” he says sternly, handing Alex an open bottle of water. Alex brings a shaky hand up to take it. “Are you feeling any better?”

 

“A little,” Alex admits, not meeting Jack’s eyes, “I’m just tired-”

 

“It’s two in the afternoon. You slept until eleven. You shouldn’t be tired. But you are, because you’re dehydrated and malnourished because you’re killing yourself.”

 

            Alex shakes his head weakly, “But I’m not-”

 

“I’m trying so hard, Alex. Please let me help you.”

 

“You can’t, Jack.”

 

-&-

 

            There are two weeks until tour starts. Jack has been monitoring Alex’s every move, been with him at all times. And somehow, despite Alex’s protests, he hasn’t lost a single pound since Jack caught him purging.

 

“I know you’re trying to help him on your own, but I really don’t think you can, Jack,” Rian tells him early on a Saturday morning.

 

            They’re in a diner – they meaning Jack, Rian, Zack and Tyler. Jack left Alex at home to hang out with Matt and Evan and Danny. They’re discussing the set list and other tour related things. Alex looked happy to see them this morning. It had been some time since anyone other than Matt had come to see him.

 

“I’ve done it before,” Jack points out after he takes a sip of his orange juice. “I think I’ve managed to break through to him now.”

 

            Rian shares a glance with Zack, who’s sitting beside Jack. “It’s worse this time around, though. I didn’t tell you this, but the other day I asked him **why** he’s doing this. It took a while, and he obviously really didn’t want to talk to me about it but I managed to get it out of him. He said it’s because he doesn’t want you to have to ‘lie’ to him anymore when you tell him he’s perfect the way he is. Jack, I don’t think you’re going to be able to handle this on your own.”

 

“No, I know that it’s worse, but I think I can do it. By the time tour starts, he’ll have put weight on and he’ll be healthy again. I mean, we have a long way to go but I can do it. He hasn’t lost any weight this week-”

 

“Alex is sick,” Zack interrupts. He glances down at Tyler, who’s sitting beside him eating his pancakes without a single care. “And I don’t think we should be risking his life like this. He needs professional help, Jack. Whether you want to accept that or not.”

 

“I know you think you can help him all on your own,” Rian adds sympathetically. “We all wish we could be the help he needs but…we’re not enough. He’s too far gone for that, you know?”

 

`           Jack bites his lip. He knows his friends are right, but he really wishes they weren’t. He thought for sure he could be all the help Alex would need – just like the last time. Just like he promised. But Alex doesn’t seem to want to get better, and that’s the key difference from the last time. He wants to get to his goal weight – the weight he thinks is perfect. And Jack’s not enough this time.

 

-

 

            Jack being gone probably shouldn’t make Alex so happy. He loves Jack more than anything, but he’s suffocating him. Rightfully so, but still. Alex feels like he’s going to go crazy pretty soon. And with Matt and Evan and Danny here, he can finally get a few minutes to himself.

 

“Do you guys mind if I take a quick shower?”

 

            Danny and Evan both look to Matt, who narrows his eyes at Alex. “I’m going to be honest. Jack gave me strict instructions to not let you be alone at all.”

 

            Alex plays dumb, “Well, I guess you could shower with me….but I doubt that Jack and Zack would approve.”

 

            Matt rolls his eyes and tosses the playstation controller to the side. “You can shower, but keep the door unlocked. I swear, if I hear you puking up your lunch I will call an ambulance so fast and you’ll be locked away in a rehab facility and you can kiss this tour goodbye.”

 

            Alex blinks, taking in Matt’s threat. He lives for touring. There’s no way he’s going to get this one cancelled. “Sit in the hallway outside the door for all I care.”

 

            He decides to shower in the first floor bathroom, mainly because he doesn’t think he has the energy to climb all those steps. The first thing he does when he gets in there is turn on the shower. He doesn’t bother with adjusting the temperature just yet, instead taking the scale out from the closet and placing it flat on the floor. He stares at it tentatively. It’s been a week and he’s been eating everything Jack’s has forced him to so he knows that he’s put on weight.

 

            He goes through the familiar process of watching the number fluctuate – higher, then lower. He bites his lip hard as the number finally settles.

 

**_129 lbs_. **

“God dammit.”

 

            He has no other choice, he decides as he kneels in front of the toilet. The lunch Matt forced him to eat will make him gain another three pounds if he doesn’t do this, and he can’t afford that. He was so, so close to his goal. He can still get there. He just needs to be sneaky about it. The shower’s running – they won’t hear him. The only one who will know is Alex himself. And he’s not going to tell anyone.

 

-

 

“So what’d you do with Matt and Danny and Evan?”

 

            Alex shrugs lightly, pushing the food around on his plate. Jack brought home Chinese food and Alex kind of wants to tell him there’s no way in hell that he’s going to eat this. It’s full of salt and God knows what else. But he eats a small amount of rice and half of a piece of chicken, hoping that Jack will accept it. “We played video games. Talked about the set list and stuff. Not much. How was breakfast with the other guys?”

 

“Good. Tyler had fun. He’s really tired today, though. I don’t think he slept much after that nightmare he had last night.”

 

            Nodding, Alex agrees with him. “I’ll go see if he wants to take a nap.”

 

“Yeah, okay,” Jack says, glancing down at his hands. “When you get back, I want to talk to you. Okay?”

 

“Sure.” He tosses his napkin onto the table and pushes his chair up, ignoring Jack’s eyes as he gets up. He doesn’t care if Jack isn’t satisfied with the amount of food he’s eaten. He should be grateful he ate any of it at all. It’s not like it really matters, Alex reminds himself. He’s just going to purge as soon as possible, so he shouldn’t worry about it.

 

            He finds Tyler in the living room, stretched out on the couch and eyes half open as he watches TV. He only notices Alex’s presence when he sits down, hand running soothingly over his back as he asks, “Are you tired baby?”

 

            The five year old doesn’t respond with words, instead shifting so that his head is in Alex’s lap and he’s rubbing at his eyes, still intent on watching his TV show. “Come on, Ty. You can take a nap and then I’ll wake you up before SpongeBob comes on and we can start packing for tour. Sound good?”

 

            He doesn’t wait for him to answer. He just pulls him into his arms and stands, shaky on his feet. Alex blames it on the whole ‘dehydration’ thing. But he regains his balance by the time he gets to the stairs and he’s much steadier on his feet as he walks up them, careful to keep Tyler close to him. He hears his slow, steady breathing and he smiles to himself, knowing that he’s definitely already drifting off to sleep.

 

            When he’s safely in his bed, Tyler seems to be more aware of his surroundings, opening his eyes and looking up at Alex with a pout. “Daddy?”

 

            Alex smiles, leans down and pulls the covers up over him. “What’s up, Ty?” he asks softly, brushing the little boy’s hair out of his eyes.

 

“Are you sick?”

 

“W-what?” Alex laughs, his breath catching in his throat as he does. He smiles and shakes his head, trying to appear as calm as possible. “Where’d you hear that from?”

 

            Tyler sits up, pushing the covers away from him. “Uncle Zack said you’re sick,” he tells Alex, eyes filling with tears and his bottom lip trembling and _fuck_ he’s going to start crying, Alex realizes.

 

“Tyler,” Alex says, reaching out, but letting his arm fall before he touches Tyler. He doesn’t even know what to say or do or _anything._ His son isn’t stupid – he knows that if Zack says he’s sick, he must be sick. And he won’t believe otherwise unless Alex says so.

 

            Alex can’t lie to his son. Not right to his face and especially not about something as serious as this. He knows he’s been selfish – he knows he’s been putting himself before Jack and his son but he didn’t think it would matter, especially since in the end, everything would be fine. And it wouldn’t even last that long. But now he has to face his son, figure out what to tell him because if he lies, he knows he’ll never be able to forgive himself.

 

“Did you go to the doctor? Did he give you medicine?” Tyler asks, completely oblivious to Alex’s internal battle with himself. “Will you be okay?” He crawls into Alex’s lap and curls into his chest, tears falling from his eyes faster than Alex can stop them. “I d-don’t want you to die.”

 

“Tyler,” Alex chokes out, arms wrapping around him and pulling him close. He’s crying too now and his heart is literally hurting and he feels so much more than ashamed of himself right now. He’s let Tyler down without realizing it. “I’ll be fine. I’m not going to die, I promise. I’m not leaving you.”

 

            Alex holds him close, whispering comforting words to stop his tears and calm him down. He promises over and over and over that he’ll be fine – that he’ll get better. And now that the words have left his lips, he really does have to keep that promise. Not just for Tyler. For Jack. For his friends. For himself.

 

            Eventually Tyler falls asleep, and Alex tucks him into bed, trying so hard not to cry as he kisses the top of his head before moving to turn out the lights. Tyler is one of the most important things in his life. It’s him and Jack. And he can’t stand the thought of Tyler needing him and him not being there. But he can’t just stop this. It doesn’t work that way. And he needs more help than Jack can give him.

 

            So when he gets back downstairs, completely bypassing the bathroom, he finds Jack in the living room, arms crossed over his chest as he watches the news with a frown. Alex sits down beside him, curls into his side and lets out the breath he’d been holding.

 

“Took you a while just to put Tyler to bed,” Jack mumbles, staring at the TV. “Did you make a detour to the bathroom on the way back?”

 

            Alex frowns, shrinking back at Jack’s tone. He knows he deserves it, but it still hurts. “I didn’t.”

 

            Jack sighs. “I never really know what to believe anymore.”

 

“Believe me. I know I haven’t given you a single reason to do that but please. Believe me right now. I…Tyler said something to me upstairs and I-I realized how selfish I’ve been. I know you’ve been trying to help me-”

 

“You won’t let me, though,” Jack interrupts, sitting up straight and turning so he’s looking at Alex. “You refuse to let me fix you. Rian and Zack I decided that –”

 

“You _can’t_ help me Jack,” Alex interrupts, gripping Jack’s arm tightly. “I need more than you can give me and I feel so badly asking for more but…but I need it. If I’m going to get past this and get better, I need professional help.”

 

            Jack stares at him for a long time, and Alex feels as if he’s looking right through him. It took a lot to admit that. He’s freaking out on the inside and he doesn’t really know what he just got himself into, but if it keeps his family happy, then it’s okay. He’s realized that he’s not making them happy anymore, despite how hard he was trying. And if getting help and gaining weight and getting back to being healthy is the way to do it, then he’ll try. For them. For himself.

 

“Rian and Zack and Matt are already looking at places that can help you that aren’t too far away,” Jack finally says, pulling Alex closer and pressing their foreheads together. “You need to promise me that you’re going to try. You’re not going to give up on this halfway through the program. You’re not going to pretend to get better just so you can leave faster. I want you to take your time and **really** get better. I want you to be healthy because do you know how many times over the past few weeks that I’ve realized I might lose you?”

 

            Alex closes his eyes, shakes his head.

 

“I can’t be without you. I mean, I could survive. But I’d never really be okay again. And Tyler would be devastated. You need to get better. For the both of us.”

 

            Alex nods and wraps his arms around Jack’s shoulders, hugging him tight. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, fingers tangling into his hair. “I’m so sorry.”

 

            He has a feeling he’s going to be repeating those words a lot in the next few months – to his fans. To his friends. To his family. But he’ll get through this and he’ll come out stronger in the end. He’ll always be strong as long as Jack is still beside him.

 

 

 


End file.
